The holidays are known to be a joyous and anticipated time for many people, but it can be the most stressful times of year for your chronically ill loved one. There are many reasons that the holidays make it difficult for them to celebrate with you. So it’s important to understand specific ways to support your chronically ill loved one during the holiday season.
Ask How Your Chronically Ill Loved One is Doing
One of the most challenging parts of living with a chronic illness is talking about it with others. It can be awkward trying to explain your health condition with people that haven’t lived it or understand what it’s like. However, it can help your chronically ill loved one feel supported when you’re open to understanding what that’s like. Be willing to have the conversation without assumptions and bring up other topics of meaning to them.
Listen to Them
Today’s society makes it difficult for your chronically ill loved one to feel comfortable talking about things as personal as the chronic health condition. Past experiences of being ignored by loved ones and doctors unfortunately teaches your chronically ill loved one that it’s safest to stay quiet.
Understand how important the matter is when they take the risk to share it with you. Notice that they’re sharing and listen closely.
Be open to listening to your chronically ill loved one without dismissing what they say about their health condition. Try not to jump into the “have you tried this” conversation. Don’t compare their experience with anyone else. This line of questioning and discussion can lead your chronically ill loved one to feel unsupported.
This is a time for you to listen to understand their perspective. Ask follow-up questions to learn more and show them that you care and are interested. Showing up for them in this way can help them feel comfortable, supported and connected with you.
Invite Your Chronically Ill Loved One Over to Celebrate
Attending celebrations is one of the most stressful parts of the holiday season for your chronically ill loved one. They’re faced with the stress and uncertainty of if they’ll be able to attend celebrations or fully enjoy them when they go because of how they feel. Commutes and being in large groups can be stressful.
Helpful tip: Invite your chronically ill loved one over even if there’s a chance that they may not make it.
Inviting them anyway shows them you haven’t forgotten about them or written them off for not attending consistently in the past. And let’s be honest, sometimes your chronically ill loved one feels like a burden to friends and family members (even when they aren’t). Letting them know they are welcome helps them feel more included with less pressure.
Don’t Complain if They Leave Early or Don’t Show Up
Your loved one has to consider many factors and follow important steps before attending holiday outings and celebrations, and it is sometimes not confirmed whether it’s possible to attend until just before they leave the house.
Many times those who live with chronic health conditions live with uncertainty of how they will feel leading up to your event. Their hearts want them to attend and feel like everything is “normal” and great, but sometimes their bodies tell them it’s best to pivot and change plans against their own wishes. That’s a major adjustment that they have to face every day.
Show compassion and support even if your chronically ill loved one needs to leave early or doesn’t show at all. Understand that a cancellation or early departure doesn’t mean they don’t want to be there. It’s likely that it’s just not possible for them to attend or stay long while feeling unwell. Respond with a gentle, reassuring message so they know you understand and aren’t making them feel guilty for listening to their body.
Be Accommodating When They Come Over
Discuss what your chronically ill loved one needs to feel comfortable when they arrive. This includes having safe foods on the menu, reserving a comfortable chair or spot on the couch, or ensuring you have a quiet room available. Also be mindful of how others respond to pets being around, as they can often be allergic to pet dander, hair and fur.
A simple way to be sure all your guests’ needs are met is to ask everyone beforehand if there are any foods they’d like to bring, or if they have any food allergies or intolerances. Invite them to reach out with any questions about the menu or the celebration. Be open to making adjustments based on those requests.
The goal here is not to make your chronically ill loved one the center of attention with these gestures. In fact, no one else needs to know that these supportive gestures are in place. All that matters is that it is communicated between the two of you so that they can attend the celebration in the most supported way possible.
Offer to Visit Your Chronically Ill Loved One in their Home
Your chronically ill loved one may need to stay home during the holiday season due to health reasons. Moments like these make home visits more valuable and provide the opportunity for you to connect with them. Offer to briefly visit with them in their home, bring the holiday meal to them, spend quality time and catch up on life. A house visit can lift their spirits, especially if they feel disappointed that they can’t attend a holiday celebration.
Be sure to ask your chronically ill loved one how you could help them once you arrive. Some ideas include washing dishes, taking out the trash, watching a show with them or running an errand. Let them take the lead.
Consider The Needs of Chronically Ill Loved Ones In Your Home
Consider the needs of the chronically ill loved ones within your household (spouses, children and parents) when making holiday plans. Discuss how everyone in the household is feeling and determine how it is best to celebrate the holidays this year.
Will you and your chronically ill spouse be hosting or going to someone’s home? Are there things that your chronically ill child needs in order to feel included? Is your family accepting visitors this year? Is it best for your chronically ill parent to accept visitors or go out during their flare up?
Do what’s best for your household and then communicate out to your friends and family as needed so that everyone is on the same page. Pushing yourself or your chronically ill loved ones past their limits only adds more stress that you all don’t need. Consider what you all need and approach the holiday season with a flexible plan.
Send Your Chronically Ill Loved One a Holiday Card
Cards are a personal and meaningful way to let them know they’re missed and appreciated. These small, meaningful gestures mean a lot to your chronically ill loved one. It can be the encouragement they need when feeling down or unwell. Try writing the note by hand for a more personal touch.
Call and Check on Your Chronically Ill Loved One
Set aside some time to talk with your chronically ill loved one over a phone call or text messages.
It can also be courteous to send a text asking if they’re feeling up to a phone call later. This allows them to place the call during a time that works best for them. Checking in through text message ensures that you make the connection and help them feel less lonely.
A simple typed message saying, “Hi, I’m thinking about you. Are you feeling up to talking this week?” can go a long way. You can even make the messages more personal by scheduling a FaceTime call or sending video messages. Send them a nice photo to put a face with the text.
Remember to your chronically ill loved one some grace if they don’t respond back immediately or talk for long.
Talk About Things Unrelated to Their Health
I know you’re probably wondering why I said to listen, and now I’m saying talk about something else. But hear me out…
Your chronically loved one needs to experience a balance of talking about their health and other unrelated topics. Sometimes they’d rather talk about something unrelated to give them a break from focusing on their health condition. We all need a break from our full-time job at some point, and that’s okay.
The key here is to be present with what they’re discussing, whether it’s their health or not. Catch up on other things that matter to them (i.e., hobbies, work, family matters, their pet, a TV series, etc). This can help them feel like a whole person outside of their diagnosis. Lighten up and take their lead to focus on other things.
Check out other ways to support your chronically ill loved one aside of the holidays.
Next Steps for Chronic Illness Management
I help individuals and families who are living with anxiety, chronic illnesses and the emotional toll that it can bring. We can talk through your personal experiences as a caregiver, friend or family member of your chronically ill loved one, practice more support skills and help you cope with your own feelings relating to their health condition.
Although the holidays are stressful and busy, you and your chronically ill loved one can cherish the time together and make meaningful memories this season with intentional preparation.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me to get started. I’m happy to help.
