The average person living with a chronic illness feels disappointed with themself when their body makes things harder. While we can’t control for your chronic illness, you can learn how to show yourself a level of “mindful self-compassion” that can help to make the hard times, easier to bear.
Self-compassion is the “process of turning compassion inward” and it keeps you from getting stuck in a dark place when your energy and mood are low. Here are some ways to show self-compassion when living with a chronic illness or chronic disease.
Respond to Yourself with Kindness and Understanding When Your Body Lets You Down
Ask yourself a question: What are some of the first thoughts that cross your mind when your body reminds you of your limitations?
If you are like most people, your inner critic can make you feel bad about yourself. When you have a chronic condition, it’s easy to fall into self-criticism or self-blame with very little effort. Your thoughts and emotions fall in line together and you probably begin to respond to yourself with blame and judgment. These responses don’t support you in moving forward. The truth is, they likely make you feel more ill and stressed over time.
The antidote to this cycle is self-compassion. Self-compassion makes it possible to respond to yourself with kindness, even when you don’t believe you deserve it.
Encourage yourself to keep going
Encourage yourself to move through the hard moments instead of picking yourself apart and beating yourself up right now. Here are some examples of self-compassionate statements:
- “It’s okay to let my body rest.”
- “I am giving it all I can.”
- “I matter.”
- “Take the time you need.”
A helpful way to get started is to think of what you would say to someone else who feels hopeless and disappointed with themselves. How would you show compassion to them?
Also seek outside resources of encouragement (i.e., books, podcasts, visual images, reassuring pictures) to focus your mind on moving forward. Turn that message inward and meditate on that throughout your day.
Express your feelings without judgment
Allowing your vulnerable feelings to speak up without judgment is an effective way to show yourself compassion. Yes, I know. It doesn’t always feel good to notice those feelings. However, holding them inside actually makes you feel worse – both mentally and physically.
Usually your inner critic is a reflection of your vulnerable, more tender feelings. And unfortunately, it tends to be very loud and mean on days when things are not working out according to your plans. Beating yourself up in these moments increases stress and makes you feel less motivated to move forward.
Instead of being harsh, choose to express your feelings in a more gentle way (i.e., “I’m sad that I couldn’t go to dinner,” “I feel lonely,” “I’m worried about how bad this could get”). Allow yourself to cry sometimes instead of holding them all in. Other ways to express your feelings include talking with a loved one, journaling, dancing and expressive art.
Your feelings are valid, and it’s important that you allow yourself to grieve all that is changing with your chronic condition. These are considered acts of self-compassion because it allows your body to release stress, reboot and move forward in a healthy way.
Adjust Your Expectations on the Hard Days
Many times self blame and judgment can show up when you don’t meet your initial expectations for the day. For example, when you planned to spend the day with your family, but really feel exhausted and need to rest instead. Instead of trying to force yourself to do what’s harmful for your body, make adjustments to your daily life when your body is showing you that it needs something different.
Adjusting your expectations is a form of self-compassion found through flexibility. It’s also a way to learn to accept your life with a chronic illness.
Honor your personal limits
When you’re living with a chronic illness, you experience daily reminders of your personal limitations. An act of self-compassion is to honor those personal limits so that you can focus on what is possible for your life.
Would you expect yourself to run a mile after spraining your ankle? If so, what would be the consequences of doing that? Are there any other options to move or exercise that are within your current personal limits?
You may also experience higher levels of distress and physical discomfort when you don’t honor where your body is at the moment. This can lead to more setbacks for you, which we both know is the opposite of what you need right now.
Honoring your personal limits is a way of listening to your body and responding to it with compassion. Reassuring your body that although it currently needs more support, it’s OK to not be OK. You’re also showing your body self-respect when you give it the time it needs to heal and recover.
Follow your chronic health plan
One of the most important things to do after being diagnosed with a chronic condition is to follow your health plan. Let’s face it, there are many things that are not glamorous about it (i.e., taking medication, attending doctor visits, eating a specific diet, etc). But it becomes an act of self-compassion when you do it despite feeling angry with your body and not wanting to “take care” of it.
This baseline level of self-compassion teaches everyone around (yourself included) what you’re committed to for your health. This component of self compassion is foundational. It sets the trajectory for your care and it informs everyone around you of how important the “basics” are. It’s an act of self-compassion that sets the tone for how you want to approach your care, even when you’re feeling badly or your negative thoughts and feelings are getting the best of you.
Surround Yourself with Encouraging and Supportive People
Research shows that surrounding yourself intentionally with people who promote encouragement and compassion is shown to improve your mental and physical health over time. They help you feel included as they support and do what they can to meet your needs during your most difficult moments.
Are there people in your life that help you feel seen and supported? Would you like to include more people in your circle to help you feel more balanced?
There is nothing wrong with wanting relationships that add value and meaning to your life. In fact, I believe it’s necessary when living with a chronic illness. If you’re looking for some initial ways to build new relationships, try joining a chronic illness support group or find new ways to engage with your community (i.e., faith-based groups, clubs, get to know your neighbors, social media, and apps focused on meeting new people).
Set Boundaries with Unsupportive People
The people that you have around you can either promote stress or promote healing. What do the people in your life offer you?
It’s hard managing your chronic condition while surrounded with unsupportive people (i.e., loved ones, friends, teachers, doctors, and employers) who are negative, offer unhelpful advice, or who leave you feeling inadequate or worse off after your conversations. Not sure what I mean? Here are some signs that you’re not being supported in the way you most need by the people in your life.
Unsupportive relationships can make you feel more ill and cause declines in your mental and physical health over time. So the relationships you have are just as important as the medical treatments you choose.
How do you respond to unsupportive people in your life?
Setting boundaries with people in your life is a way to protect yourself and keep a healthy distance from harmful influences. This form of self-compassion is intentional and doesn’t always feel good, but it is necessary to avoid more harm to yourself.
Here are some ways you can show self-compassion with boundary setting:
- Decrease the time you spend with people that make you feel worse about yourself.
- Say, “I will have this conversation with you when you’re calm” instead of arguing.
- Express your needs and move on, even if they disagree or are unwilling to help.
- Give yourself time to think about what you want to say, and communicate when the time is best for you.
- Confide in people who show you compassion and help you feel safe.
- Have a supportive person advocate for you when you don’t feel comfortable addressing the person alone.
Soothe Your Nervous System Daily
Living with a chronic illness comes with ups and downs, and is an emotional experience on the hard days. Keeping your mood steady is a difficult but necessary component of showing self-compassion.
One of the most overlooked acts of self-compassion is soothing your nervous system. It calms your mind and your body in moments of high stress, clearing your mind and helping you make decisions about your health..
Practice Deep Breathing
The first recommendation for soothing your nervous system is to practice intentional, slow deep breaths. Deep breathing is one of the most natural, effective ways to practice self-compassion. When you practice deep breathing, you are intentionally slowing down the rapid breathing that comes from anxiety. It relieves muscle tension and sends messages from your nervous system to your brain that you are safe.
Take 30 seconds to slowly breathe in through your nose and back out through your mouth. Practice this at least once daily (and as often as needed) to relieve stress and practice self-compassion.
Grounding Exercises
When you find yourself getting stuck thinking about all that is happening with your chronic condition, it’s important to show compassion by settling your thoughts. Grounding exercises involve focusing your thoughts on simple sensory components in your immediate environment (taking your mind off of your worries). Here’s a worksheet that can help get you started on using grounding exercises to soothe the nervous system.
Spend time outdoors
Living with a chronic illness often requires you to spend time indoors to recover, but spending time outdoors can also be the dose of self-compassion you need. Spending time outdoors relieves stress, improves your mental and physical wellness and supports you in being physically active.
Here are some ideas for gentle outdoor activity:
- Nature watching
- Going for a walk or hike
- Reading a book under a tree
- Listening to the sounds of nature (wind, birds, leaves)
- Cloud watching
- Sitting your feet in a cool creek or lake
- Stretching
- Swimming
- Play a sport
- Journaling outdoors
Be mindful of any adjustments you can make to help you enjoy the outdoor experience more, including going outdoors in safe temperatures, wearing sunscreen, wearing comfortable clothing and staying hydrated. During moments when spending time outdoors is not an option, consider looking out your window or reliving fun outdoor experiences you had in the past. Notice what positive emotions come up for you.
Participate in activities that bring you joy
Self-compassion can also come in the form of participating in activities that bring joy and meaning to your life. When it comes to your health and health care, it’s important to allow yourself to explore what gives you joy and purpose because many other moments are focused on things that are challenging.
Are there things that bring you joy or a sense of purpose? What about on low energy days? If not, this is a great time to explore what that could look like for you (i.e., a new hobby, book, volunteering, sitting in nature).
A Chronic Illness Therapist is also a great ally to have in your corner. They can teach you more strategies that soothe your nervous system and live a meaningful life with your chronic condition.
Next Steps for Self-Compassion When Living With A Chronic Illness
I help individuals and families who are living with chronic illnesses and the emotional toll that it can bring. Therapy is a powerful tool that can help practice responding to yourself with self-compassion. Although your journey with a chronic illness can be hard, therapy can make it more bearable, giving you more confidence and improving your mental health.
You can schedule your first appointment with me by booking a free 15-minute consultation call.
