The relationship between you and your doctor is one of the most important relationships you will have in your life. But sometimes those relationships are unsupportive and make you feel worse over time.

As someone with a chronic illness, your relationship with your doctor is critical to your health and well-being. An unhealthy relationship will only cause you more stress over time. That’s why it’s important to pay attention to both your intuition and your inner voice if you’re worried you’re spending too much time with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself or your health.

No relationship is perfect. But if you have a lack of trust in your doctor and/or you don’t feel safe sharing your real experience with your illness (or the illness of someone you’re caring for) those are signs of a toxic relationship that are wise to explore.

That said, before we can get into ways to end a toxic relationship with a doctor, you first need to explore the signs of an unhealthy relationship with your doctor or your medical team.

10 Signs The Relationship with Your Doctor is Toxic

1. You feel dread and worry before the appointment.
2. You shut down or stop sharing during the appointment.
3. Your doctor dismisses your questions and observations.
4. You are blamed for your chronic condition without any tests to rule anything else out.
5. You leave the appointment feeling defeated and angry.
6. Your doctor prescribes medication for most issues rather than learning about your lifestyle and personal needs.
7. Your doctor is unwilling to collaborate with your other medical providers.
8. Accommodations are not made to support your needs during the appointment.
9. Your doctor is not available for consultation or follow-up after your appointments or major health changes.
10. You begin to blame yourself for your condition or the condition your loved one is going through.

If you’ve experienced any of these signs, there is a chance you have been a victim of medical gaslighting. Those difficult moments take a toll on your mental and physical health, decreasing the chances for you to truly get better.

If you’re in this position, it’s time to consider how to end this toxic relationship so that you can work with someone who truly sees you and is better equipped to help you.

Tell Yourself You’ve Had Enough

Are you tired of feeling this way? It’s hard enough navigating daily life experiences with a chronic condition, but adding an unsupportive, harmful medical relationship into the mix adds more suffering that you don’t deserve.

The truth is, some relationships are too expensive (financially and emotionally) to maintain. Toxic relationships with your doctor are one of those red flags not to ignore. And this isn’t to say that your doctor is demonstrating abusive behaviors, but rather to explore what feels unfair, unhealthy or unkind to you. Choosing to protect yourself in this way is an act of kindness towards yourself.

When you’re in this kind of situation, it’s time to show yourself some loving compassion and say, “I’ve had enough.” Start taking the steps to move on with a provider that is a better fit for you. It’s scary, but your mind and your body will thank you later.

Start Looking for Another Doctor

Looking for another doctor is a scary thing to consider. Sometimes, even with toxic behaviors there are reasons that you might be tempted to stay. Long wait lists, feeling like you have limited energy because of your illness or worries that you won’t find another specializing provider in your area can make it tempting to give up on finding someone new.

Additionally, worries that the next doctor will be no different than the last can also persuade you to stay in that unhealthy medical relationship. Maybe you’re exhausted and don’t feel up to the task of finding another medical provider, because it’s “one more thing” added to your plate.

I get it. Finding a new doctor is a major task and a big decision. The thought of starting over with a new one can feel overwhelming, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying. The truth is, working with a doctor that you trust can improve your quality of life.

Here are some steps to help you find a new doctor:

1. Take 30-minutes to an hour to search online for specializing providers (near and far).
2. Ask your insurance provider to send you a list of other providers within the network.
3. If you are a part of a support group, ask others that you trust for referrals.
4. Confirm if there are other doctors available within the same clinic. Some clinics do not allow transfers, but it’s helpful to know what your options are.
5. Read online reviews of potential doctors to help you make an informed decision.
6. Give yourself time to review this information before scheduling a consultation with the provider.
7. Consider asking another person you trust to partner with you in finding a new doctor. Sometimes two sets of eyes make for swifter work.
8. Keep your current provider until you’re able to confirm you’re moving on. This ensures that you always have access to care during the transition.

Advocate for Yourself

I often see clients keep their concerns quiet while struggling on the inside with how the relationship with their doctor is affecting them. This doesn’t have to be your story. Yes, sometimes it can feel safer as the patient to stay quiet, but long term, it doesn’t hold the doctor accountable for providing poor care to you or anyone else.

Additionally, there is always a secondary benefit for your mental health when you speak up and advocate for yourself. Abusive relationships are hard on you and even if the intention of the provider isn’t to be abusive, if you feel controlled, ignored, or otherwise mistreated, speaking up for yourself is a critical step for your own good.

And, your experience can help protect you and others from these experiences happening again with that doctor.  So whether you speak up loudly or you simply make the changes you need, it will support you in getting out of an unhealthy relationship and moving on to a better one.

Here are some ways to advocate for yourself:

1. Express your concerns with your doctor or their supervisor so that it is on record that specific incidents occurred.
2. Say “no” and request more information when you disagree with a recommendation or feel dismissed.
3. Ask a loved one to support you by attending an appointment and speaking up immediately in moments when toxic behaviors occur.
4. Request that your denied requests be noted in the medical chart.
5. Document any incidents and keep them with your medical records at home.
6. File a report with the clinic and/or the medical board.

Focus on Your Emotional Healing

Toxic and harmful relationships put you at more risk for mental and physical health decline, which can lead to higher levels of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic symptoms and chronic pain. This is why it’s important to make the change. But it’s also true that the experience of ending a toxic relationship with your own doctor often makes it harder to trust a new doctor.

This is why it’s important to spend some energy on healing and ultimately, trusting yourself. When you turn your attention towards your emotional healing this ultimately supports you in feeling safer and more confident as you move forward with other medical providers.

Healing from toxic experiences with your doctor can take years to do, but it’s necessary. A mental health professional (i.e., a Chronic lllness Therapist) can empower you by helping you talk through what happened and how it affected you. They can help you understand what went wrong and how to support you in the other critical relationships in your life.

You can also participate in other calming activities and soothing strategies to relieve stress each day.

Join a Chronic Illness Support Group

If you know that it’s time to end the toxic relationship with your doctor, know that you don’t have to deal with it alone. Sometimes it helps to talk with other people who have been in similar situations to confirm that you’re not wrong. Join a support group to talk through these experiences and learn ways to end this pattern with your doctor.

A good place to start is through the national organization for your specific chronic condition. I also host 6-week Chronic Illness Skills Groups to help chronically ill teens and adults advocate for themselves, relieve chronic pain and feel more emotionally balanced.

Next Steps for Feeling Supported with Your Chronic Illness

I help teens and adults who are living with chronic illnesses and feeling unsupported by people around them. Therapy is a powerful tool that can help you work through those situations that leave you feeling unsupported, because it can happen when you least expect it.

Although your journey with a chronic illness has been hard, therapy can make it more bearable because you get to have the important conversations about your health during the therapy session, giving you more confidence and improving your mental health. You also have the option to invite your loved ones for family therapy and even participate in group sessions to overcome these challenges with support.

You’re not alone, and feeling supported with your chronic illness is possible.

Schedule your first appointment with me by booking a free 15-minute consultation.