You’ve likely noticed the mental and physical toll that you or your loved one’s chronic illness takes on you. A common challenge that happens is noticing when your sadness turns to anger. From feeling numb to crying and feeling worried, anger becomes a feeling that can take over and make you feel that parts of your life are out of your control and hard to bear.
Your Sadness is Normal
It’s completely normal and understandable to feel sad when living with a health condition. Certain situations come up that bring you to a low place, making you feel bad for yourself. There are things about your life that you wish you could’ve done differently (even though it may not have changed the outcome). Ultimately you wish your life had been different and not led to a chronic illness diagnosis.
Reasons Your Sadness Turns to Anger
Feelings of sadness can eventually turn into anger when your health gets in the way of things important to you and parts of your life begin to change without your permission. It’s admittedly hard to wrap your head around all of the changes that can turn your sadness to anger.
First, understand that anger is not a bad thing. You are allowed to feel angry with the fact that your health and your life is changing without your permission.
In fact, anger is one of the most common emotions to experience when grieving a major life change. Be mindful that uncontrolled anger can wreak havoc on your mental and physical health. Know the anger warning signs and prepare to cope with it successfully moving forward.
Here are some specific situations that can turn your sadness into anger over time.
- You feel helpless trying to do things as you’re used to doing them.
- You become angry with yourself when you don’t meet your own expectations. At this point you’re having an identity crisis and don’t even recognize yourself.
- Feeling angry with your body when it doesn’t respond as you want or need it to. It almost feels like you and your body are fighting against each other.
- You’re feeling overwhelmed and under a lot of pressure to meet other people’s expectations to function “normally.”
- You’re frustrated that plans don’t work out and you’re sick of having to cancel plans because you or your loved one don’t feel well enough to maintain a social life.
- You blame yourself for being diagnosed with your chronic illness (i.e., “ It’s all my fault,” “ if I had only eaten better, exercised or drank more water, things would be different.”)
- You’re reminded of all the ways your life is changing because of your health condition.
- You feel unsupported by loved ones and members of your community when they are constantly dismissing and disregarding your health needs.
- You’ve spent so much time alone managing your health that you feel lonely and wonder why the people you care about don’t call you or invite you out as often.
- You’re tired of having to explain yourself why things need to change for you at home, school, or work.
- You’re angry with your doctors for dismissing and minimizing your pain when you explain symptoms in medical appointments.
- You’re experiencing more symptoms and pain, but the medical tests are coming back clear.
- It’s hard to stay calm when you’re in pain or feeling unwell most of the time.
- You’re experiencing medical burnout from having constant doctors appointments on top of the other obligations you have in your life.
- You’ve recently received a new medical diagnosis, and at this point you’re just feeling done with it all.
- Medical treatment isn’t working as you’d hoped.
Here are some ways to cope when the shift from sadness to anger happens.
#1 – Notice Your Anger Without Judgement
Anger shows up in a variety of ways. And in order for you to effectively cope with it, you need to know how it’s showing up for you.
Here are some common signs of anger to look out for:
- Irritable
- Arguing with other people often
- Insulting other people
- Pacing around the room
- Clenching your fists
- Experiencing shaking in your body or your hands
- Your mind goes blank
- You noticed tension in your body (neck, shoulders, back, etc.)
- You scowl or make an angry face
- Your hands start to sweat
- You get the urge to hit or throw something (punch walls, rip paper, bang your hands on a surface)
- May become aggressive
- You’re breathing becomes heavy and fast
- Start to feel hot
- You experience headaches
- Your heart rate goes up.
- You begin to cry
- You shut down and become quiet
- Your face turns red
- Your mind starts to race
- It becomes difficult to not think about the problem or the situation that just happened.
Do any of these anger warning signs look familiar to you? If you answered “yes,” be gentle with yourself in the moment. You’re human and you have feelings.
This isn’t the time to beat yourself up, but instead this is a moment for you to be more aware of how it shows up so that you can decide how you’d like to respond to it next time.
#2 – Name Your Anger
Once you’re aware that anger is present, give it a name. An easy way to name or acknowledge your anger is to say, “I’m feeling angry right now,” or “Anger is here,” or “Anger is driving the car right now.” You can even give it an actual name (i.e., “Anger the Bully”).
The goal is for you to notice how you feel and name it as it’s happening so that you can intentionally move forward without regrets.
Heads up! The word “anger” can easily be replaced with another name in the same feelings family. Some common words to express feelings of anger include:
- Frustrated
- Grumpy
- Annoyed
- Defensive
- Irritated
- Disgusted
- Offended
- Spiteful
#3 – Take Time to Slow Down
Oftentimes the shift from sadness to anger can show up unexpectedly and lead you to respond in ways that you’re not proud of. It can make your thoughts speed up, making you feel less in control of what’s going on in the moment. This is why it’s important to learn how to slow your mind and your body down, channelling your anger in a helpful way.
Notice that I didn’t say “get rid of your anger.” The goal is to use it in healthy ways to meet your needs.
A key way to slow your mind and body’s anger response is to use the STOP Technique. STOP is an acronym that lists the steps needed to cope with your anger.
Here are the steps for the STOP Technique:
S – Stop what you’re doing.
T – Take deep or gentle breaths.
O – Observe the signs that your sadness is turning to anger. Notice what’s happening internally and externally (thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, urges to respond a certain way, current behaviors, things happening in your environment that brings on anger).
P – Proceed with purpose to meet your needs (calming down, expressing yourself, problem solving). This can also involve channeling your anger (not getting rid of it) so that you’re able to deal with the situation in the best way possible.
The STOP exercise helps you to be more present in the moment, especially when your mind and body is beginning to feel out of your control. Learning to be present with your feelings of anger and even chronic illness grief allows you to feel more in control of yourself, relieving anger and stress.
#4 – Practice Relaxation Strategies
It’s possible to successfully cope when your sadness turns to anger by using reliable strategies to relax your mind and body. As a chronic illness therapist, I often prioritize teaching and practicing relaxation strategies with my clients in session so that you are in a better position to cope with the anger on your own.
Here are some examples of relaxation strategies to use to calm your anger:
- Take deep or gentle breaths (4-7-8 breathing)
- Participate in a calming sensory activity (i.e., long bath or shower, drinking a cold or hot beverage, snuggling in your favorite blanket, fidget with a calming item, listen to music or nature sounds, eating a healthy snack).
- Practice mindful meditation.
- Practice grounding exercises (one of my favorites is the 54321).
- Go for a walk in nature.
- Engage in an activity that brings on a more positive emotion (i.e., watching a favorite TV show, playing with your pet, talking with a friend that makes you laugh)
Different situations require you to use different strategies to cope with your anger. Take some time to consider how you would like to calm your anger when at home or out in the community. Practicing these strategies ahead of time can help you feel more confident and prepared.
#5 – Express Your Feelings of Sadness and Anger
Sometimes it’s not realistic to change the circumstances that make you feel angry, but you may be able to feel better when expressing how you feel about it. The American Psychological Association confirms that expressing your anger in an assertive, non-aggressive way is one of the most important ways to help you cope with feelings of sadness and anger.
Expressing your feelings also helps you understand why you’re angry in the first place. Talking about your feelings when it involves your chronic illness can make that more challenging sometimes.
Here is what I mean by that.
You can feel angry with yourself or somebody else, but don’t always know how to say it. There are moments when you want to tell someone how you feel, but they don’t necessarily make you feel safe being vulnerable with them.
What happens if you want to share your feelings with someone but they’re not the most helpful when you share it? What if you want to talk about your feelings of anger, but you don’t want them to know what’s going on with your health?
These are all valid and understandable points that can make you question whether or not you should express your feelings at all. The goal is to figure out the best and safest way to express yourself.
Safe ways to express yourself when sadness turns to anger
If you’re noticing that you are uncomfortable expressing your feelings to other people when sadness turns to anger, start expressing them with yourself in a self-compassionate manner. This can be really difficult to do, especially if you’re already feeling angry with yourself or your body, and blaming yourself for what’s happening. But you can get stronger at this technique with more practice.
A way to express your anger with self-compassion is to start the statement by saying, “ I’m having the thought that…,” or “ I’m noticing that…” Phrasing your thoughts and feelings in this way stops you from being hard on yourself for having thoughts and feelings. It also makes the thoughts less intense.
Remember that the goal is to cope with the anger and move forward – not make yourself feel worse.
Write your feelings in a journal, a notebook app on your phone, or even on a sheet of paper to help you express your feelings privately. This simply helps you to get it out and face it. The more you’re able to practice being open about what you feel with yourself, you’re in a better position to then express it to other people with confidence.
Talk with a Trusted Loved One
Talk with someone that you trust about your feelings of sadness and anger. Starting here helps you feel confident that the person can will receive it and offer support. You can express yourself in person, conversations, phone calls, and even a letter.
You are more likely to cope with the anger successfully when confiding in reliable, trustworthy people.
Let them know what you’re feeling, and if comfortable, ask them for help. The request can be as simple as asking them to call and check on you during the week or ride with you to a medical appointment. At the end of the day, having someone to talk with about your feelings can be all the help you need sometimes.
Here are some more ways your loved ones can support you moving forward.
Speak with a Mental Health Professional
Your loved ones can be as supportive as they can, and there may still be moments when you want to talk about things with someone else. That’s perfectly fine and healthy.
Consider speaking with someone outside of your inner circle of family and friends (i.e., clergy, support group or a mental health professional). Speaking with a mental health professional can help you talk through your feelings, make sense of them and move forward in the best way possible.
Many people in the chronic illness community find that therapy after being diagnosed helped them feel less judged when their sadness turned to anger. You can explore your feelings safely and learn to manage them through individual, family or group therapy.
I’m happy to provide Chronic Illness-Focused therapy services in Maryland and Minnesota.
Stand up for Yourself
Many people living with chronic health conditions report their sadness turning to anger when experiencing discrimination, being mistreated, ignored, and disregarded. Many people attempt to deal with these situations by trying to ignore it or act like it’s not bothering them. These approaches are not helpful long-term, and the feeling continue to come up when not addressed head on.
Keeping things inside or ignoring them can make you question whether or not you’re doing something wrong, placing unnecessary blame on yourself when things don’t change.
A healthy way to address these situations is to stand up for yourself.
Here are some ways to advocate for yourself when your sadness turns to anger:
- Tell your doctor or loved ones that you feel they’re not listening to you.
- Repeat what you said once more.
- During medical appointments, request that your medical professional document that they are refusing to look into your concerns in the chart.
- Say “no” to people and situations that jeopardize your well-being or make you feel worse about yourself.
- Join an organization and participate in causes that support your health needs.
Here are some warning signs that show you are feeling unsupported and need to stand up for yourself.
#6 – Exercise When Sadness Turns to Anger
Medical professionals have found that exercising regularly helps to cope with anger. The exercise helps with releasing muscle tension, decreasing stress hormones in your body, improving concentration, improving sleep, and improving mood.
Exercising with a chronic illness may look different for you than other people; and that is OK. Talk with your medical provider about recommended ways that you can engage in healthy, physical exercise or activity.
#7 – Allow Yourself to Cry When Sadness Turns to Anger
This may come as a surprise to some people, but allowing yourself to cry can be very helpful and coping with anger. Crying can be a way of releasing tension in anger and helping you to calm down. Be mindful that if you are crying on a daily basis, it may be helpful for you to speak with a mental health professional so that you can get support with working through some of the daily challenges that bring you to a low place.
#8 – Distance Yourself from Unhealthy Relationships
Unhealthy relationships bring on those feelings of sadness and anger. And you don’t deserve that.
Distance yourself from the people in your life that turn your sadness into anger, so that you can make space for supportive relationships that make you feel good about yourself. Don’t forget to replace that toxic medical provider you’ve been avoiding to schedule your follow-up appointment with.
It’s hard enough to feel good about yourself when your health makes it difficult for you. Investing time into healthy relationships is vital in helping you cope with your anger.
Next Steps for Moving Forward When Your Sadness Turns to Anger
I help teens and adults who are living with chronic illnesses find a balance with mental health and chronic conditions. We use a range of approaches from individual, family and group therapy.
Therapy is a powerful tool that can help you work through feelings of sadness and anger. It helps people feel more confident by practicing strategies and making a plan to use them on your own.
You’re not alone, and feeling supported with your anger is possible.
Schedule your first appointment with me by booking a free 15-minute consultation.
